2001-07-22 - 11:26 a.m.
I was going through my hard drive and saving shit when I found this bit of fluff I wrote for some poetry mag or something. It's about a group piece I did with the '98 slam team called "Personal Adds".
When we were rehearsing "Personal Adds", Pony had to say this line - "cars, chicks and SATAN!" He was supposed to scream SATAN like some bad 80's heavy metal poodledog hairdo poser boy. However, our dear Pony, (being from Seattle, home of grunge) didn't really have the correct Metal upbringing to perform an authentic cheesy demonic scream. Now, I grew up in San Antonio, Heavy Metal Capital of the World. As a matter of fact I once avoided being mugged by asking a gang leader "Dude, did you see Ozzy?" So, I was elected to give Pony, Wammo's Official Heavy Metal Satan Scream Lessons. The two of us went out into the Electric Lounge parking lot and the lessons began.
W: Ok Pony, find your falsetto, that's the highest part of your voice. It's like impersonating Mr. Bill. Now say ah.
P: ah
W: Good. Now push from your gut and say SATAN.
P: satan
W: No no, push from your diaphragm.
Wammo grabs Pony's stomach, Pony recoils in horror.
P: Hey! Cut it out!
W: C'mon ya wuss! Scream! Scream like someone is pinching your balls. Let me hear you say SATAN!
P: satan
W: No! No! No! Scream like the devil has his giant barbed flaming evil cock up your ass, pumping his wicked jizm all the way to your brain! Now scream! Scream like hellfire, you maggot!
P: SATAN!
W: That's it! Again!
P: SATAN!
W: SATAN!
P: SATAN!
W: SATAN!
P: SAAAAAAATAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!
At this point I should remind you that we were in downtown Austin in broad daylight. People were not just looking at us funny, they were fleeing in terror. Mothers were franticly pushing baby carriages into traffic, clutching toddlers to their breasts and yelling for the police. Business men covering their eyes and bursting into tears, all because two freaks were jumping up and down screaming "SATAN" at the tops of their lungs. Jesus, the things we do for poetry.
