2001-12-25 - 2:47 a.m.
By the time you read this, I'll be forty. Wow, I can't fucking believe it. I never thought I was gonna make it to thirty, much less forty. The last few hours of my thirties are ticking away and I couldn't be happier. I'm in a great band. My record is out. Dinah Washington is on the radio. What else do I need? I'm surrounded by love. It doesn't suck, my friends. Merry Christmas. Tonight I'm going to the Hole In The Wall to get plastered out of my gourd with a bunch of my friends. What better way to spend Christmas? I've already done the family thing, this will be the first Christmas with my friends. Stop on by if you're in town. Having your birthday on Christmas isn't all that bad. Everyone is celebrating and people are generally nicer to each other. Sure you get kinda burned on the present thing but that doesn't mean much once you're an adult. Wow, Glenn Camble is on now, "I am a lineman for the counteeeeeeeeeeeeeee". Wichita Lineman, baby. Anyway, the thing you get really ripped off on is parties. I had one birthday party growing up, when I was seven. The next one I had, I threw for myself two years ago. What I really wanted this year was a surprise party. I only dropped about a million fucking hints but nobody took the bait. Hey, somebody throw me a fucking surprise party before I die, ok? Good golly, is that so much to ask? Other than that, everything is swell.
So Merry Christmas to all you guys and gals out there. Merry Christmas to Neil Sedaka because he's on the radio right now, and to Pete Townsend because he didn't die before he got old, and to Ezra Pound because he's dead and he's not my favorite poet, and to Samuel Beckett because Christmas was probably just another day of suffering to him, and to Bruce Springsteen because as soon as I thought he had turned into the biggest cheese dick in the universe, he turns around and does a cool cameo in High Fidelity, and Merry Christmas to Bono because he DID turn into the biggest cheese dick in the universe and he couldn't be happier with his new role,(you gotta hand it to him) and Merry Christmas to all of the brewmeisters, and to Patti Smith, and to my friend Ana, who blew her brains out so many years ago, and to Jesse Helms because he's a fuckwad, and to the ghost of Bill Hicks, who's probably sitting at a table with John Lennon, George Harrison, Jimi Hendrix and Keith Moon, making them all laugh their asses off. Merry Christmas to the cats out in the cold and the homeless guys who will rake it in today with their cardboard signs, Merry Christmas to Burroughs and Bukowski, who are probably locked in a room together with no typewriter, and Merry Christmas to Sartre, who locked them in there and is giggling at the keyhole, Merry Christmas to Robin Shearer and Jim Brandenburg, my two favorite teachers in high school, and Merry Christmas to the puppy that chewed up my headphones, and to Mikey and Daphne and Danny and the Spankers and the Spankheads and all my other pals out there. Merry Christmas to Leonard Nemoy and James Brown and Marvin Gaye and Sebastion Cabet and any other random celebrities alive or dead, and Merry Christmas to Cher and Madonna and Jukebox and Tiffany and Beck and Sting and all you other one name fuckos out there, and Merry Christmas to George Carlin, who didn't know he was talking to me when he said "Get a last name!" and Merry Christmas to everybody who makes great BBQ, and Merry Christmas to Elvis and Tom Jones and Mel Torme and Diana Ross and Ella Fitzgerald and Billy Holiday and Eartha Kitt and Mr. Acala, our old garbage man and Octavio Paz and Ghandi and Hitler and Jesus and Ghengis Khan and Mohammed and Moses and Salome and Mel Blanc and Tito Jackson (remember Tito that "the love you save may be your own.") Merry Cristmas to all four of the Monkees and to Neil Diamond and Carol King and Al "TNT" Braggs and the Everly Brothers and the Righteous Brothers and the Walker Brothers (ar ar!) and Hank Williams 1, 2 and 3, and the guy who invented Jello 1-2-3 and to Britney Spears and Robert Plant and Pee Wee Herman and William Warfield and Joe Louis and Henry Rollins and Tupac and Chuck D and Ice-T and Bushwick Bill and Dexter Dwarf and Plastic Patrick and Ed Holmgreen and Kelly West and Diana Horne and Ray Mills and Doug Lorenz and all you other TMI bozos, and most of all Merry Christmas to Charleton Heston and his gun collection, may they be plugged up with sweaty gobs of KISS makeup. Now everybody sing together, "God rest you merry gentlemen let nothing you dismay, remember our friend Wammo was born on Christmas Day…"
(Later after turning forty) Hey, I told you that I was gonna write a song every day for a year starting today. Well, I'm not gonna post them all but here's the first one.
Kermit the Frog's internal dialogue
Is a Sandra Bernhardt monologue
He's got slippers on his flippers
When he spanks the dog
With a Victoria's Secret catalogue
The frog's got a bump
On his astronaut
While he's chillin' in his villa
Watching Family Plot
Another groovy movie
Hanging out to rot
Black Flag was produced by Spot
I got a lunch box
Where I hide my stash
I get the munchies and I eat
Corned beef and hash
When I saw Daryl Hannah's
Ass in Splash
I got a hula girl
To do the Monster Mash
My Imperial beats your
Cadillac
Yeah my Imperial
Beats your Cadillac
So stick your face in the mirror
And give it a smack
A stinkin' Lincoln
Even beats your Cadillac
Another sunny day on the spooky train
Makes the cowboys sing their songs of pain
Another decades gonna fade out with the rain
While the clock ticks its way back home again
Shoot the streetlights with a BB gun
Eartha Kitt's gotta mitten made of bubble gum
And the Spankers once cranked
Here Comes The Sun
In an homage to "The Quiet One"
The Beatles put a needle right in the groove
But Ray Charles makes my booty move
Lots of pretty paintings hanging in the Luevre (sp?)
And believe me baby it will behoove
You to do the shimmy to a Ventures' song
Careful not to spill the bong
Cab Calloway said to "bang a gong"
Then T-Rex put it in his song
I got headphones and a sleepy mask
Bushmills in my hippie flask
I stagger when I swagger
It's a difficult task
Oh baby, you don't have to ask
'cause my Impetial beats your
Cadillac
My Imperial beats your Cadillac
If you don't agree
You gotta be on crack
'cause my Imperial beats your Cadillac
and Merry Christmas to you, now go get yourself something nice.
