2002-02-10 - 2:01 a.m.
This was a strange night. I don't know if I can explain what happened. There is a point in my song, Wammo's Blues where they band is supposed to do "hits" at my command. Tonight as a practical joke, they decided not to do a hit at one point. Let me preface this by stating this was all in fun and they were just fucking with me. But when I gave them the signal, nothing happened. I don't know why but I was so unprepared for this that I lost it. The only way I can explain it is by asking you, remember when you were were a kid and it was great thrill to fall backwards and have someone ready to catch you? Did anyone ever let you fall? Tonight I fell hard. All my trust and belief in this band fell into emptiness with my flailing arms and the empty sound pocket that followed. I knew immediately that I was over reacting but I had no control over the feelings that overtook me. In that moment of void, I was struck by a mixture of fear, panic and anger. So intense that I lost my field of vision for a moment and had to sit down on stage.
When I was a kid, I used to get in fights like all kids do. Every once in a while I would experience something similar to the feelings I felt tonight. A kind of mad, blind, berzerker rage, comepletely uncontrollable and extremely violent. I worked very hard to control my violent temper and get to a point where I could keep from fucking people up. Tonight that wave hit me harder than it had in a long time and what's worse, it happened while I was the focal point on stage. I had what I can only describe as a panic attack. Not knowing where to lash out but immediately wanting to fuck shit up. I had to leave the stage after the song, even though I was supposed to sing with Guy on the next number. The guys in the band were calling out to me, "Don't go away mad!" But I simply could not stay. I went to a lonely corner of the club and sat like a statue while numerous possibilties of fucked up shit ran through my head. I could still hear Christina's laughter at the joke they had pulled on me ringing in my head and I imagined myself smashing the instruments on stage and beating anyone who tried to stop me with a folding chair. I saw myself throwing my stuff into the van I rented for the tour and setting the other van on fire, only to drive to Mexico, sell the rental and just keep going. I saw myself pulling a big Bowie knife from my pants and cutting my own throat on stage. I saw myself in a rubber room desperately trying to bash my head through a window that wasn't there. I tried to put these thoughts out of my head head but they faded very slowly. I spent the rest of the gig in a daze. Going through the motions like a zombie. When it was all over, I chilled out while the crowd split, then I went to the john. The Men's john was taken but the Woman's john was empty. I walked in and looked down at the toilet seat. It was covered with piss. I've been told that some women refuse to sit on public toilets and squat over the seat, sometimes urinating all over the sucker. Maybe that happened or maybe some guy who couldn't wait was in there before me and pissed all over the seat but either way, I lifted the piss covered seat with my foot and pissed in the toilet. Sure enough, when I was done, who was waiting to take a leak but Christina. I passed her without a word. Not because I was mad at her (after all, this was all only a fucking joke and somewhere in my head I knew that) but because I was still in my zombie like, emotionally fucked up state. Sure enough, while I was on stage grabbing gear to load into the van, she screamed at me, "WAMMO, YOU WANNA WIPE ALL YOUR PISS OFFA THE JOHN SO I CAN GO TO THE FUCKING BATHROOM?" I was guilty by association. I was the last person in there and she knew I was upset, so I had gone and pissed all over her toilet seat for spite, knowing full well that she was certain to be the next person in there. I tried to explain the state of the toilet upon my entering the room but in my emotional state, I'm sure it didn't come off too well.
I'm still fucked up over the song and I don't know why. I have a real fear of having my trust betrayed that stems from childhood. I'll write about those experiences someday. It's funny, I can talk about them with no problem but I still haven't been able to write them down. My main worry is, why did I have such a huge physical reaction to something so petty? What land mine went off in my psyche? Where does that sense of loss, abandonment, fear and anger come from? Why is my skin so thin?
The funny thing is that this gig was fucking great. I've been trying to record every big gig on this tour with my camcorder. But tonight, even though the place was packed, I told myself, "Fuck it. Give yourself a break." Of course the first set was a monster. I'd give anything to have it on tape. I'd also love to have that moment of anguish on film. It would have made quite a still.
